Its for you to decide if the “New Relationship” will be about you and yourself, or if it will involve another.

I think many people like to have rebound or revenge relationships right after a divorce, especially if infidelity was involved, but often even when it wasn’t.

Some people are just dependent on others and need someone else in their life.  If this is you, you need to make sure you find a mate that is compatible with your depenency.  I am not talking about drugs and alcohol, but I suppose that could apply here as well. 

What I am talking about is if you are a guy, especially a divorced guy, think back to what your ex-wife always complained about… Here is a suggested list to think about:

• Too much TV
• Too Fat
• Too Lazy
• Sitting on the couch all Sunday watching football
• Internet Porn 
• Staring at Other Women (and getting caught)
• Too much focus on Sex (with or without your Spouse)
• Cheating
• Gambling (Poker/Lottery Tickets/Other)
• Too much Beer or other Alcohol
• Too much Work
• Too much Focus on Self and Not the Family or Spouse
• Spend Too Much Money.
• Don’t Earn Enough Money.
• Don’t Help out with the Dishes or Around the House.
• Etc.

Guys if you have one or more of these items/issues/vices on this list above and your ex complained about them you may seriously want to consider counseling (just kidding) but you do want to consider if you want to give them up and/or if it is possible to really find a compatible Woman that will accept you for who you really are.  If you don’t want to change then I suggest you find someone that doesn’t want to change you…  Not always an easy task, but be straightforward and upfront about it and give them the full disclosure before you ask “will you marry me“.  Remember there is a reason you are Divorced regardless of who instigated the process.

Ladies - The same thing applies to you….

I know I am a guy, dude or whatever and probably don’t know jack in your opinion, but hear me out.  Your not perfect either and there is a reason you are divorced as well… so here is your list of possible vices/faults or traits to think about (caution - you will probably be offended  ;-).

• Too much Love of Shoes
• Too many Shoes
• Too picky about a Clean House
• Not picky enough about a Clean House
• Too many Clothes
• Spend Too much Money
• Don’t Earn enough Money
• Stare at other Men
• Internet Porn (I suspect some of you look, cause there are sites out there for ladies (I am told))
• Too much focus on Self or Kids and Family
• Not enough focus on your Man
• Not enough interest in Sex
• Too much interest in Sex (with or without your partner)
• Work too much
• Don’t do enough work around the House
• Too busy and focused on doing things (silly things)
• Etc.

Ladies, I know the list is similar, but I am sure a few of you have a few of these traits that your ex considered to be a weakness.  I personally am all for shoes as long as they are “hooker shoes” and have a pair of legs and a skirt attached.  But seriously, we all have faults or traits that others consider to be a fault.  

 Again my generic advice is think about what you do or don’t want to change about yourself and be straightforward and upfront about it with your future partners and possible spouses.    You decide if you want to change or have someone attempt to change you, because if you don’t want it, you will probably only marry to end in another divorce.

Men and Women do seem to be from different planets at times, yet we are actually pretty similar.  Whether we realize it or not we all as human beings tend to focus on our own perspective too much and not that of the other person. 

We are all selfish to some extent, we all have desires and goals and probably even some actual faults.  To make a “New Relationship” work, I believe you must be brutally honest about what you do or don’t want in the relationship and I would pretty much recommend dumping all the skeletons out of the closet and onto the floor for discussion before ever entering into another marriage.

Your Brain, You Decide!

Chris Out

www.thedivorceworkshop.com

The Petitioner

The Petitioner is the persion who petitions the court for divorce. 

If you are the Petitioner, you will  remain labeled as such, ”Petitioner”, in all future filings related to the divorce or related later issues like child custody, child support, relocating party, etc.  

If you are the Petitioner then you get to pick the time and date of the filing.  This can often be the time or date used by the courts or the judge to establish asset value in the division of assets between you and your spouse.

The Petitioner gets to set the venue or location of the divorce proceedings, which can be important if you and your ex-spouse have relocated to different cities. 

If you are the Petiioner, you or your attorney gets to make the opening statement at the hearing(s), this could be useful for setting the initial tone and might instill a slight bias of perspective for the judge, his first impression of the couple and the situation.

The Respondent

The Respondent is the one who responds to the court proceedings and petition for dissolution of marriage.

The only real advantage to being the respondent is that you don’t have to pay the initial court filing fees, which vary from area to area.

The Conclusion or Verdict

So as I see it,

if you are certain it is going to happen

and you think it might be a bit of a battle to get it done

or you have timing or jurisdiction/location issues,

then you are probably ahead to be the Petitioner in your divorce and take the necessary action to get your divorce started and get your life back again.

Please realize however that I am not urging or pushing anyone toward divorce.  That has to be your decision and if you think there is a chance to make it work and you are researching, wondering and hoping it all wasn’t happening, then don’t give up hope and if they file, then deal with it… There isn’t enough advantage to make a big deal out of it.

If you think you want to work on your marriage you might check this out:

http://budurl.com/MarriageSaver

And even more unfortunately it is usually never fully answered until your children all reach 18.

Even if custody is agreed to in a divorce settlement, things change, people move and kids can express an interest in changing where they live.  

How do you deal with this?  I really don’t have a great answer for you because every situation is different. 

Recently my Girlfriend’s 10 year old daughter’s father announced he was moving 500 miles away from where she is living with her mother and said he expects my Girlfriend to drive half way every other weekend to transfer and hand off their daughter.   She said no.  He said see you in court.  The Daughter said I want to live with Dad.  This has broken my Girlfriend’s heart.   This is her baby daughter!

My only advice to her was to try not to take it too personally.  

Think about it from a 10 year old’s perspective…  Her dad spoils her (in my opinion in an irresponsible manner - cause he doesn’t have the money to do it and I think he is moving largely because the people here know he is a financial flake.)  Still, the little girl believes life will be better with Dad.  She gets what she wants there. 

I cannot tell my girlfriend what the right thing to do is.  I cannot know her true pain.  All I can do is try to comfort her in this tough time and help her understand the other peoples perspectives.

Could it be a ploy to avoid paying child support?  Probably.

Could it be a ploy to exercise control and power over her even though their relationship is over?  Probably.

Does it matter or change the situation?  Probably not!

Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

When contemplating or facing a divorce it doesn’t matter whether you started the process or not. 

You need to have a goal to avoid being run over by your spouse or the attorney’s (either one - yours or theirs).

Decide what your overall primary goal is for the divorce. 

• Is it to leave as friends, as amiably as possible?
• Is it to protect your children and your rights to see your children?
• Is it to screw them over as hard as you can and get revenge?
• Is it to just get it over with as fast as possible regardless of what you lose?
• Is it to preserve your assets and money?

This seems like a simple question, but divorce is always as complex as the people and circumstances involved.  So be sure you spend some time thinking about it!  

Your goal can be a long complex compount statement, but try to refine and simplify it to its essence and key components.

Also, think about your goals for “after the divorce is over”…  Try to picture yourself in 5  or 10 years from now.  Determine who you want to be, what you want to be doing and where you want to be doing it.  Then examine why you want it and how you might accomplish this. 

Once you know where you want to be in the future after the divorce, re-examine YOUR GOAL FOR THE DIVORCE.

Then, examine your expected worst case and best case scenarios coming out of the divorce and compare how the different outcomes would affect these future goals. 

This should help you diffuse some of the emotion and self doubt you are dealing with and help you determine what is truly most important now and over the long run.

Write your goal down to keep you focused on it.  

Read this written goal when you make decisions, strategize or implement tactics as you go through the divorce process.  If you find the desire to change the goal, go ahead and modify it, but  keep track of the revisions and when they happened and maybe jot a little note about what happened to make you change the goal, because it will help you to determine how your emotions and the events of the divorce are affecting your goals as you go through your divorce.

When I got divorced, I didn’t do this, I went into denial at first, then my motive or goal changed daily or weekly as the events of the divorce unfolded over the next two years.   This ended up costing me a fortune  in legal fees, delayed outcome and even in the overall settlement. 

I am certain if I were more focused on the facts and my goals, I could of done it faster and better.

Trust me!  Your goal or motive will have a tendency to wander with the emotional manipulation and evil antics of a divorce.  So if you write down your key goal and always look back at it when you are making decisions you will stay focused.

 Now that you know your Goal(s) in the divorce, then you can start strategizing and planning your approach to most efficiently accomplish the goal.

If you and your spouse, soon to be X, or X own a car or boat or RV or other titled vehicle  together you need to sell it or pay it off before the divorce decree is signed to be sure that you have an equitable division in the divorce.

The typical scenario is that both parties have a car, both cars are in both names, or at least the LOANS for these cars are in both peoples names.  

You or the Judge decides who will keep each car and who will pay each car off.

Then life happens and usually your X will turn into a totally irresponsible piece of crap and quit paying on their car. 

You start to get collection phone calls, they start to get collection phone calls. 

The Lender says to you that you can pay the back payments and penalties or pay it off  to avoid the credit damage and/or a repossession on your Credit.

You tell them that you have a Divorce Decree that says you are not responsible for this automobile or its payments, and…

They basically say, “We don’t care!” 

And the law is on their side. 

The Loan Contract you sign (that hardly anyone reads or understands) when you buy a car usually says you are jointly and severally (together and each individually) responsible for the repayment of the loan. 

The Judge in Divorce Court cannot undo this for you.  So there is no point in asking.  A good one should point the risk out and usually advises or even orders both parties to pay the loans off or refinance as soon as possible. 

DON’T TRUST THIS!  My Girlfriend had this very scenario.  The Judge had ordered him to refinance within a year.  He didn’t.  He quit paying.  She took him back to court to force him to pay or refinance and the Judge basically said (based on his bottom line tax return number), that he didn’t have the ability to repay, so he didn’t have to do anything.  He could keep driving the car until the repossessed it.

But the facts are that the average Joe or Jane in a divorce ends up with screwed up credit and they can’t refinance, at least not on good terms, so they don’t and if they are a real jerk or bitch, then they quit paying and here you are facing all the debt and credit implications that weren’t supposed to be yours in the divorce.

You cannot go take the car unless your name is on the title and the divorce papers don’t spell out that it is the other parties car. 

So be careful, whether you are divorcing in a friendly manner or in a long drawn out litigious manner, this issue usually comes up and is common, unless all cars are paid off or sold, you may be facing significant debt and credit risk in the future.

The Solution is Easy!

• Pay off the car loans with other accounts, funds or proceeds from sale of other assets.
• Sell the cars and payoff the debt.

Do this before the Divorce Decree is signed!

BTW:  Ford Motor Credit seemed to handle this matter very poorly in my Girlfriends case she even offered a reduced payoff amount and terms where she repaid it and they refused.  Instead Ford sought a judgment for about $26,000.  She wrote a long detailed letter, explaining the circumstances to the judge, included copies of the divorce decree, the orders for her X to pay it and documentation of her previous failed attempt at taking him back to court, as well as mention of her significant assistance to Ford Motor Credit in their collection efforts (keeping track of the X’s cellphones, addresses, wives, etc…).  As far as we can tell she has been dismissed completely from this judgement.  We were both amazed.  Three different attorneys told her it wasn’t worth litigating that she might as well pay it (she couldn’t) or file bankruptcy.  So if you are already in this situation and you get this scary letter about a judgment, at least do a little Internet research on how to respond and send your response into the courts or appear in court if you get the chance to defend yourself…  Otherwise the Creditor will get a default judgment (whatever they ask for) and they will be able to being garnishing wages, attach other assets, etc.

Good luck!